they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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