God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
