Your face is a jimmy john
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
