i just wanna soil my oats bro
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize