Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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