I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
