this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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