her facebook's as public as her vagina
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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