bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Randomize
