So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
