I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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