There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My balls are so social today.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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