just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
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