she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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