Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
