I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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