What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
