If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
