and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
