when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize