You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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