Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
