The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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