that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize