i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize