Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
