Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
