I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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