Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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