dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
