I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Watching her eat just hurts me
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Im part way to drunk.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
