She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
