Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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