I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
