i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
