this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
