I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
