An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
