Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
