just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
