You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Randomize
