Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
