just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize