I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
