Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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