I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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