last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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