You were right. It hurts to walk today.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
