He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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