He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
