I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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