The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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