Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
