Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
