Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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