just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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