If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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