____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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