and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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