I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize