I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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