My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
