here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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