I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
