I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
