I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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