If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
